


Them

by wickedthoughts



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Bucky Barnes & Shuri Friendship, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Cissexism, Erections, First Kiss, Gender Identity, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Mutual Pining, Non-Binary Bucky, Other, Protective Bucky Barnes, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 10:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16890798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedthoughts/pseuds/wickedthoughts
Summary: “Cut it out, James,”their father often said.“Men don't do that.”





	Them

**Author's Note:**

> I've been feeling extra non-binary lately, and this happened.
> 
> Please read the tags. Nothing gets too intense in this one. Basically, Bucky goes on a 70+ years journey of self-discovery and Steve is a good guy. It's canon-adjacent, with all the events from First Avenger, Winter Soldier, and through the end of Civil War happening as they do in the movies.

* * *

It was always there, but it wasn’t something they explored. The way the pronouns didn’t settle right inside their brain. The way they sometimes felt a twinge of jealousy when their little sister twirled in her Sunday skirts. The way they knew to shove those feelings down deep and never, ever speak them.

 _“Cut it out, James,”_ their father often said. _“Men don't do that.”_

But they weren’t James. They were never really James. They were Bucky.

Bucky learned that men weren’t supposed to do or feel a frustrating amount of desirable, human things. Women were supposed to do and feel some of them, but that was an indication of inferiority, and it wasn’t that Bucky was a woman either. So, they managed to avoid those things.

Except for when it came to Steve.

 _“Men don’t do that,”_ flew out the window when it came to the things Bucky felt for Steve. And through that window came the shame, the self-hatred, and most of all the fear. The fear that their feelings would be discovered, especially by Steve. That Steve would look at them with the disgust they deserved. Or, worse, that they were tainting Steve with their presence. If Steve hadn’t needed Bucky so much, Bucky would have left. That was what they told themself. From the streets of Brooklyn to the trenches of Europe. Steve needed them, despite their hidden perversion that Steve could never know.

* * *

They spent two years piecing the shards of their identity back together, after Hydra had so thoroughly shattered it. Memories of their childhood returned. Memories of their sister, mother, and father. Memories of their city. Memories of their Steve.

Memories of their longing.

Over those two years Bucky bought a few pieces of clothing from the side of the thrift shop marked _Femei._ A plus-sized dress here, a soft pink sweater there. Clip-on earrings with bright, fake jewels. They never found heels in a size which they could squeeze their feet into, but that was okay. It was enough to twirl in front of their dingy mirror shirtless in a lacy skirt. Newspapers on the windows kept them safe from the eyes of their neighbors. Some things had changed, but a lot had stayed the same.

_“Men don’t do that.”_

Bucky kept their hair long. They liked the feeling of it brushing their neck and shoulders. They liked playing with it, clipping it back with barrettes or tying it up with ribbons. They found that they didn’t care for the smell or feel of nail polish on their fingers or toes, and they liked the way their cheeks looked better with bristly stubble than with foundation and blush. They liked mascara, and they loved dark shades of eyeshadow, but they loved lipstick most of all. Red was their favorite. Red to match their star that reminded them of Steve.

They tried not to miss Steve. It would be selfish to contact Steve and drag him down into the tainted darkness of Bucky’s life. They lived one day at a time, picking up odd jobs for food and rent, and eagerly anticipating the day’s end when they could go to their apartment and put on the things that made them happiest in their darkness.

* * *

Bucky stared at the tiny medical screen that Shuri had handed them. _Gender Identity?_ the top of the screen asked, translated into English for their benefit. No hints as to the answer, just a line underneath. _Pronouns?_ was the question that followed.

“What’s this?”

“What is what?”

Her brow furrowed in momentary confusion, then relaxed as she smiled and explained. Bucky heard the descriptions of identities for which they’d never had a word. Pronouns other than _he_ or _she._

“That’s- ” there was a lump in Bucky’s throat when she finished. “Um, that’s- ”

“The way life works here,” Shuri admonished, no doubt expecting Bucky to object. “Well, everywhere, but not everybody is advanced enough to know it.”

“No,” Bucky swallowed. “I mean, I didn’t know- I didn’t know there was a word for it.”

Shuri’s eyes softened as she understood.

“Do you need a minute?”

Bucky shook their head.

“Uh, is ‘I don’t know’ okay to say? For both of these?”

Shuri smiled.

“Of course.”

There was a glow in Bucky’s heart as they spoke into the screen and watched the words transcribed on the answer lines.

* * *

“- and I don’t know if, you know, _they_ is right. It just, uh, feels the best of all the options I’ve heard,” Bucky finished their explanation to Steve on his first visit since Bucky’s deprogramming. “But, yeah.”

They were on the shore of Bucky’s favorite lake. The sun was hot on Bucky’s face and the breeze was cool in their hair. Some of the Mining Tribe children had helped them style it while they were putting on their lipstick and eyeshadow. One of the older girls, Ari, had good-naturedly teased them about their crush while she helped them hold the mirror. She’d also helped them decide on a red-plaid shuka and blue overlay to wear for the occasion.

“Uh, so, to summarize: I’m not a man, or a woman, and I’ve been in love with you long as I can remember.”

Bucky forced themself to hold Steve’s gaze. To their surprise, Steve began to cry softly.

“I, uh, I never knew that. That you felt the same as me,” Steve confessed through his tears. “I mean, I’m- I’m pretty sure I’m a man, but I’ve- I’ve wanted to kiss you since I was sixteen years old. God, if I’d known- if I’d- ”

He trailed off with a gulp.

“You probably wouldn’t’ve done anything,” Bucky commiserated with a chuckle. “‘Cause you thought I’d hate you for it.”

“Part of me still does. Did,” Steve laughed. “And that other stuff, the gender identity stuff. That doesn’t change a thing for me, Buck. I’m gonna have to get used to it, and I’ll probably call you wrong on accident ‘til I do. Sorry.”

Bucky smiled as big as they could at him. Something was opening in their chest, like a fist unclenching. Light reflected off the water and gleamed in Steve’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you now?”

Steve blinked heavily and squinted into Bucky’s eyes.

“God, yes.”

Bucky wrapped their arm around Steve and kissed him passionately. Steve seemed startled for a moment, but then returned the kiss with equal ferocity. Steve’s lips were salty from his tears, and his beard scraped against Bucky’s. Bucky could feel Steve hardening against them, and their own arousal mimicked.

“Wanna go back to my place?”

Bucky whispered teasingly into Steve’s ear. Steve threw back his head and growled his agreement while Bucky bit gently at his throat. They led Steve down the path toward their hut.

“Thank you,” Steve said when they reached the doorway. “For telling me.”

Bucky smiled and kissed him again. It didn’t matter what men did or didn’t do, or feel. Bucky wasn’t one, never had been, and Steve didn’t give a damn. They went into the hut together, letting the blankets fall closed behind them.

* * *

 


End file.
